I need to focus

You know when you set out to do certain things, it just seems like every obstacle just comes in your way. This month has been a trying month for me physically, spiritually and emotionally. I felt overwhelmed, like nothing was happening for me that was good, and like typical Melissa, I dwelled on everything going on around me.

As in one of my earlier posts, I mentioned that I don’t have a degree and it just so happens that this month seemed to be graduation month. It seems like every attempt that I have made to pursue my education has faltered. It is often said that every rejection is God’s redirection but I have often wondered where I am being redirected to because I just cannot understand. Yes, God is all knowing, omniscient, omnipresent and awesome in all his ways but sometimes don’t it look like He just don’t know what He is doing? Well anyway, seeing all this good news about those accomplishments made me exceedingly happy for those who completed that feat but extremely sad for myself.

I felt overwhelmed because of certain things that was going on my job and honestly, I felt extremely stressed out. The attack was unwanted and I was really flabbergasted at the way it occurred. When you work for others, there are things that you have to endure that is baffling, all because you have to work for them; making their desires become a reality. SMH. It’s incredible to me that as women, and black women in particular, we tend to fight other women down to make ourselves look good or pleasing in another man’s eye. We don’t understand that as women we live by a code, we are to be our sister’s keeper-helping, encouraging, coaxing, praying for our sister so that she can be on the come up as well but no, we get threatened and we literally stomp our fellow women right back down. It’s really shameful.

My weight once again became a huge mountain in this time, I felt like my workouts weren’t making any sense anymore.I constantly berate myself for the extra bulge here or roll there or stretch marks that accompany being overweight. To myself, I was not too intentional, I guess because my mind was on other things, stress makes me eat and so while, I didn’t fly off the handle like I would have done in other instances, I still didn’t do my best. I cut days of working out off of my schedule, my cravings were off the chain though lol but I didn’t indulge, well not too much anyway.

Guys, I felt tired, feel tired. Physically, every ache you can have right now, I think I do, from my head to m pinky toe hurt.(exercising can take a toll on your body). Emotionally, spiritually tired. Sometimes it gets hard to pray when all your prayers seem to go unanswered, and as most of us know, when you are drained mentally, your body follows suit.

Needless to say, I went into my cocoon and didn’t want to come out at all, I didn’t even wanna go to church. I became very irritable. Annoyed at pretty much everything and you know what, I allowed myself to feel. I am not completely my best but I am not my worst either. I went to church week before last and I was worshipping within myself, not really uttering any words and asking God questions, feeling a bit uncomfortable and annoyed because while I know people should express how they feel in church about God, too much noise and antics is NOT necessary, well in my opinion….that’s another post in another season. Anyway, I felt like God wasn’t hearing me but I stayed the entire service. To my surprise, the  Minister who brought forth the word that day came and told me, that while He was praying, God told him that He would turn some things in my life around for me. I laughed, a bit skeptical because not every “God said” is what God said and also I was cynical, based on what I was experiencing.

Anyway, I started reading my word, more intentionally because I needed a word. I knew that my help cannot come from anything in this realm and from all the scriptures I read, I gathered that God needs for me to trust him, He will fight my battles and I need not worry. It might sound really basic but I have trust issues, I am very independent and devise ways to help myself and move forward( I am very resilient) and I worry a lot. I am really trying to let him have his way and trust his direction but that in itself is a work in progress.

Until next  time loves, thank you for reading my blogs and allowing me to share…..ME!♥Focus.jpg


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