Yesterday I went to the beach with my little sister and it was quite an experience. I loved it. She did her thing, plus she met her swimming instructor there and they were in the water while I was by myself. I always feel a sense of anxiety when I have to do things on my own, which leads to indecision and then I get scared and give away many opportunities to do things, but yesterday while by myself, I was okay, I could breathe, I could just BE. Then it hit me, I can do more by myself, I don’t always need people but trust me this will be a process.
It’s Day 12 and how I envisioned this challenge was way different than how actually is. I asked a few friends to be on this challenge but It seems they are not as dedicated as I wished them to be and you know what, that’s okay because this was about me doing something for ME in the first place. People have lives and things to do and I am okay with that. I am a bit disappointed though, because I needed the help, the motivation but I will have to just dig deep and do this alone, as I have done many times. SMH!
Today is my rest day , so I am trying my best to eat properly though out the day, I got up early to cook lunch for the family. Rice and peas, stewed fish with sweet corn, fried plantains, steamed broccoli and coleslaw. I love cooking, as I have indicated in previous posts and this was easy to do because I love my family and love when they have happy tummy’s. Anywhoo, back to what I was venting about…
I’ve had to learn to love being alone by force in the past but I will have to regain that love once more to accomplish the things that I have to . Sometimes you cannot allow persons on your journey because they won’t understand that particular need or importance of that action. I wish they did though, it would have made things fun and hell, just a bit easier. At least my Mom motivates me and I motivate me.
Honestly I wish I could just give this up now, I am a bit discouraged because of the fact that I am back to square one, alone. Then again, I wouldn’t be this strong if things were easy for me right. Nevertheless, I have to do what I have to. I need to not be so afraid, I can do this. I can do this!