Have you ever felt like you needed to change, to do something for yourself? Well I am at this point. I am 27 years old and I feel unaccomplished, incomplete if you will. Everyone’s perception of success is different but I often ask myself questions like, what have I done, or accomplished that can be deemed as successful. If I ask others the same, they have this amazing list of things that they’ve done and I am so happy for them but in comparison, I feel like I don’t match up. It is not good to compare but I have persons my age who are already doctors, lawyers etc and I have not a degree to my name. I am working in seemingly an okay place where there isn’t room to excel through the company *shrugs*. Living in a small island as Grenada does not afford me too many options but this is where I am at.
I guess you can say comparing myself to others has caused me to be crippled somewhat. Whether it’s my weight, size, voice, accomplishments, I tend to compare myself. I don’t even sing, because I get anxiety even at the thought of doing it and then I feel like my voice is okay compared to others. I think this kind of thinking started as a kid. I was teased for not being the same size, or missing my front teeth: ( I’ve had two surgeries, ages 5 &10, I had a cyst growing in my face which led to them removing two of my teeth and the cyst of course) , so from ages 5-11 I was without my front and side teeth and felt so ugly until I got dentures. The surgeries or what they used rather, caused me to gain extra weight- anyway, it was a terrible time.
Then around my late teens I started having facial hair, I cringe even to type this. I used to think ‘what guy is gonna want you girl when you look like a man LOL.(insert tears) Girls are NOT supposed to have hair on their faces’. My self esteem was on a low. To this day my hair on my face causes me some discomfort, I use hair removal creams but I have discoloration and it sucks basically. I know many women have this issue but WHY ME?!?!?
3 years ago, I lost a lot of weight, I went from 187 to around 147 but I still felt ugly and fat smh! I used to have anxiety attacks, even to ingest a small piece of candy or bread. Needless to say I gained all of the weight back but felt a bit better about myself in the interim. Sounds weird but from then til now, I look at myself in a different way. I feel beautiful, sexy and just gorgeous. I still have a ways to go. While I feel better self esteem wise, facial hair and all, I am not comfortable with the amount of weight that I have gained.
I started my holistic health journey last year, fell off *rolls eyes* sigh, I am back. I am trying to see my way, I feel a healthy mind, equates to a healthy body. I’ve been through a lot of traumatic situations and I need to heal mentally and emotionally and I have started to do so. I even cut my hair and transitioned to natural hair once again, May of this year will make it one year of this life changing event. One thing that I am learning is that this type of healing takes time, because if it were up to me, I think I would have been done with this healing thing a long time ago, moving forward, fresh and vibrant as ever but it doesn’t work that way.
This journey is important to me because I am open to me, seeing my flaws, faults and seeing the beauty in them. It is causing me to embrace me, to love me through the hurt, the pain, the good, the bad. My perspective is changing, my mindset is changing and blogging is helping me. I started my recent challenge on a whim but everything has a purpose. I am willing to continue because If continue I will conquer. A year ago I couldn’t even talk about my facial hair- still cringing- however, I am doing better. I am learning to like my own company; being brave to try things on my own while grasping at as many opportunities as I can-the world is my oyster kind of thing.
Next stop, singing! I am a superstar♫♪♥. I am praying, seeking, finding and evolving.
Look out WORLD because HERE I COME!!!
Thank you for reading, we are all in this together!♥