When I was a teenager, from ages 14-19 were really rough years for me, I never felt like a teenager because emotionally and mentally I had to grow up way too quickly. I had to develop mental fortitude to withstand the storms that were constantly bombarding me. Most times I was very alone not because I wanted to be but because that’s the environment that was created for me. Many tears were shed throughout those years and those years have affected me in a negative way more than I’ve wanted to admit but they have. (insert tears)
In moments of being alone, you can tend to overthink like me and let your thoughts control you. I developed the thought that maybe I am not a good person and that’s the reason why I was being treated in the way that I was or that I deserve all the horrible things done to me, so at some point I even wanted to stay away from persons- to this day, I tend to stay away or not say anything but battle with myself internally. I do have a problem with communication but I am working on it. That is why we have to guard our thoughts because we become them. We have to shut the negative crowds in our mind and speak positively in our lives. The bible says as a man thinketh so is he and that’s the truth.
While going through so much and being alone, I couldn’t tell anyone of my struggles in fear of the consequences. So I behaved tough around persons like nothing bothered me, until one day at a girls’ retreat I broke down, and the word vomit began. It was like I couldn’t hold it in, I cried and I cried, spilling my guts but I couldn’t feel better because I was going back to the same mess. Anyways one of the ladies at my old church (Sister Moore) gave me a journal, She explained to me that she too went through a lot and not having anyone to talk to isn’t good, so she told me to write and that I did.
Writing helped in a big way, I could have placed my troubles on paper and leave it there. All my pent up anger and frustrations were placed in that journal, when I look back at it most of it were so depressing, It was a very hard time in my early life and that aided in moulding the woman I am today. At this point I have to fight hard to shuck off old habits and attitudes developed then, I am still more so alone but it is more of an unconscious habit that is not always the best.
This is why I write or blog. I feel free to express myself without judgement or fear. I can be me, I can share my feelings and experiences and release. I can communicate freely with my words when I type or write and express what I cannot verbally. Blogging is not the only medium I use but I embrace writing as a gateway of expressing my innermost thoughts, desires, fears etc. I am thankful for it. Sometimes we wonder why we behave or think in a certain way. I suggest we look back on our childhoods or pasts and make the efforts to change the status quo by letting go of the bad and embracing/developing good.
It is day 23, today I am not in the highest of spirits but I am still smiling and that counts for something.